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| Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash |
Hello!
I hope you are doing well, my reader.
Thank you for waiting for me so patiently.
My previous post sounded very puzzly and confusing. And I'm here... after a while, to write about that and maybe other things.
I met a boy.
It's not what you think. I'm not here to tell an airy-fairy, haha-I'm-in-love kinda crappy story.
This is my blog, my space and I want to be truthful. I don't want to lie by masking the gender so... yes, I did meet a boy.
Sometimes, life just throws a person at you, just to give you a perspective. Or to teach you a hard lesson. That's what this post is about. Life lessons.
We became good friends. We had nothing in common except the fact that he read books. I held him in high esteem on the sole fact that he's a reader. That was my first mistake. I thought that we'd be lifelong friends. I even had grand dreams of meeting his friends, getting along, laughing and having a great time. My second mistake: expectations. Along the way, I became totally blind to the boundary between a friendship and a relationship because of my expectations. My third mistake. He admonished me for not knowing their boundaries.
To this day, I don't have an explanation as to why I behaved that way.
I can easily say that I was not wrong at all, that he was the wrong one, he didn't want to be friends, he just wanted a fling, that towards the end, I was verbally abused with: 'why are you like this?' 'what's wrong with you?' 'why do you always talk about the past?' and so many more... to the point where I was scared to even have a conversation. I'd hesitate before every message. (Oh, that's the other thing. We're in the 21st century where people don't believe in calling and talking. "No calls. Only messages." Messages, where you can read one line in a million different ways depending on your mood and take its meaning in a completely different context than what the sender meant.
Haha.)
I'm not gonna say all those things though. I'm not gonna blame myself or him. Right or wrong is a broad term, dependent on the individual. Certain situations don't have an explanation and definitely don't need to be given a second thought. But, I learned an important lesson: self-reflection.
The saddest part was that I listened to a complete stranger instead of my inner voice. At one point, I believed there was something wrong with me for expecting genuine friendship. I believed I was childish to write blog posts like this talking about my life on the internet (as if there are hordes of people reading my blog.) I asked myself the same 'why am I like this?' and went crazy when I couldn't come up with an answer.
In a way, this incident blocked me from writing here.
No more.
This is my answer to your questions:
Nothing is wrong with me. I'm a straight-forward person who hates liars. A people-pleaser through and through which has led me to deep shit (like the fact that I adjust to others' needs more than my own). I'm sensitive to the point where I cry listening to an emotional song. I'm stubborn and ambitious. I love collecting memorabilia. I'm loyal AF. I don't let go of my people. I'm attracted to genuine souls.
I'm learning to understand myself, learning to be brave, confident and strong. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own space and not ask for permission.
I should've realized that your outbursts were just a reflection of who you were. I should've realized they had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. And I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help to you. Friends don't let friends drown. Also, communication goes both ways.
Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Imagine a bowler hitting a perfect strike or a water-filled clay pot shattering... these imageries come to mind whenever I think back on this incident.
I'm rebuilding the clay pot, filling it with mud and planting flowers. The bowling pins are back on the stack, stronger than before.
I will post regularly from now on.
Thank you.
Love,
VI