It's been a while. How are you doing?? It's the start of a fresh week.....And you probably got your butt off your bed very reluctantly..... *hahahaha*
It was a hectic week so I couldn't publish a post. And I write a post depending on my mood. (just throwing it out there) That too, only if my mind is at peace and I'm calm and happy or excited about a topic.
But, none of those are what I'm feeling right now. So this is an exception I guess.
I finished my under-graduate course this year. I don't know since when, but the urge to get out and travel has been in my mind for a while. I very badly wanted to pursue my Masters outside my country.
But the problem arose when it came to the number of years of my education. I needed a 12+4 years to pursue Masters. The greater, actual problem was that I didn't plan and prepare. I definitely could have applied for Masters in Singapore or Australia or anywhere else where a 3 year graduate course is accepted, but no. I didn't plan. I just whiled away my time, completing records. I guess it is something I will regret forever; at least until I find a reason not to.
The other option was to do a one-year course or a one-year diploma of any sort, so that I could (saying it again) pursue my Masters. And once again, I searched and couldn't find a course which would add to my list of credentials, rather than be an extra. But, I guess I didn't search well enough or to put it bluntly "search in advance" enough to find a one-year course.
So, now I'm left with one thing. Waste a year, or do MSc here for two years.
And that's what I am doing. I am doing my MSc here, in Mysuru, for two years.
I got admitted last week.
I'll be moving to Mysuru.
I'll be stuck here for two years.
I have no idea where I'll be staying. Should decide that and move this week, since classes start next week.
Yup, so just wanted to talk about this. Thank god, at least because of this, the tears are falling out. I was actually excited about moving out. I thought I'll finally learn to do stuff on my own. I know it'll be hard but, I will realize the value of it and appreciate what I have, more.
That's what I thought, but I don't know what I am feeling. Whether it's because I am going to stay alone for, like, the first time ever, since I've been born, or because I won't be able to go out of the country; I can't pinpoint the cause.
I was completely stunned when I went to do the admissions. I was like, 'what the hell am I doing? Is this it? Is this what's gonna happen? Is this what I wanted?'. All along the way to Mysuru, I was thinking of returning back without doing the admissions. I seriously thought of climbing the train back without even stepping out of the railway station. The uneasiness that started since then has not gone away.
My head is filled with all these negative thoughts and emotions.
I feel like I have let down everybody. Especially my brother. I imagine him, with a disappointed face, telling me that it's all my fault I've ended up where I am. That he had told me a million times, to plan and to search and to keep everything ready. That I'm a fit for nothing.
I can hear him, screwing me.
And I know! I know it's my fault. He doesn't have to rub salt in my wounds. I know that already.
It's like this immense wave of emotions I would feel when I would wake up to go to college everyday. Feeling like wanting to run and run somewhere far away. A kind of procrastination. I would fight against it and of course had to go to college.
Maybe these emotions are because I'm moving out for the first time......
Well, it is several hours later and I went shopping with my mom and grandma, so I feel a bit better. Heh, I'll have to beat out the procrastination inside my head. No matter how much this voice screams it's wrong or puts me down, I'll fight it.
I will not give up on my dreams. I won't get knocked down just because my family may start looking at marriage proposals. Anything can happen in two years. I will not sacrifice my dreams just for the sake of marrying some stupid stranger who doesn't even know me. (well, now you know what scares me most *cries*)
Anyway........I will be taking my craziness to Mysuru.......
Mysuru! Get ready! *grins*
I apologize if this post puts a damper on your happy mood, but I hope it will make you reflect on your own actions.
Oh, also, I am wallowing in regret for now. I hope that will change in the future. At least that's what my friend tells me. That there was no other option for me but to do MSc. And that it will help me in the future. Thanks babe. For saying the right words.
So that's that.
Stay Healthy, Stay Happy.
Lots of Love,
P.S : This is my first time, saying something kind of personal like this. It was hard to put it in here, because I seriously have no clue as to who reads my post. So, this is sort of a first.
AND, since this is where I share my experiences, I might as well do that. Oops.